So Sue Me: Episode IX Review

I didn't like it. But then, I didn't expect to like it.

Like most people, I was intrigued when it was announced in 2012 that Disney was acquiring Lucasfilm and would be producing a sequel trilogy. Not long afterwards, I watched the J.J. Abrams film Super 8. Suddenly I felt concerned. Super 8 was tantalizing before ultimately collapsing into an incoherent mess.

Having just forked over a wad of money to endure the ninth installment of the Skywalker Saga, I can now say that my concerns were not without merit. I was done with this one long before the closing credits rolled.

Here are my gripes with The Rise of Skywalker in no particular order:

First off, dumb title. What does it even mean? Rey's not really a Skywalker, and Luke is dead. What exactly is rising? Of course, none of the titles of the sequel trilogy have really been clever. It would have made more sense for Episode IX to be called The Last Jedi and call Episode XIII something else. I guess it's proof that they didn't really have a plan for any of this - just throwing crap against a wall and figuring out what sticks. Maybe J.J. will fix that in 20 years when we get the special edition re-edits.

Not a single memorable line of dialogue. Nothing clever. Nothing that even made you at least chuckle a little bit. No witty banter. A few solemn words spoken about the universe and how they're all going to show up and help if they just go fight the evil.

Poe and Finn are soooo boring. I know Poe is supposed to be the new version of Han Solo, the reckless nonconformist with amazing piloting skills, but let's be honest: no little kid is running around the house pretending to be Poe. And isn't that the name of the guy in Kung Fu Panda? As for Finn, in The Force Awakens, Finn seemed like he was going to have an important purpose in this new trilogy, but it turned out to be his ability to find equally pointless female characters to run around with. His was an interesting character idea but ultimately the idea went nowhere. I don't think there's much of a market for novelizations of the adventures of Poe and Finn post-Episode 9.

The undead Emperor Palpatine being all creepy down in the Sith cave was kind of cool. And the way they used him to tie up some loose ends worked fine. But it also seemed like they were admitting, "You know what? We tried creating some new characters, and they all suck." Did we need to see Han Solo again? (Nope) Did Lando really need to be in this to make it work? (Nothing against Lando, but the answer is no) If we think BB-8 is cool, why are C-3PO and R2-D2 still prominent? Threepio had way too many lines and was cringeworthy throughout. And when Luke showed up, I was fit to be tied. I'm so done with crusty old man Luke. I did not need to see him again.

Not much of a story. Just rushing from one video game sequence to another. It reminded me of a Marvel movie. And I don't like those either. Whatever story they try to tell is borrowed from the earlier movies.

I know it's science "fiction" but it doesn't even seem like they're trying to get you to suspend your disbelief anymore. I'm not a physicist, but fighting a battle on the surface of a Star Destroyer? Is that a thing that could happen, even in a galaxy far, far away?

Maybe they were using the force, because what can't the force do? Apparently it can pass physical objects through some dimension of space. And do video chats. And blow up ships. And heal. And suck the life force from people. Are Jedis in fact mutants from X-men? I've had this opinion for awhile but I think the Jedi have been weighing down the movies for too long. Rogue One and Solo were better films because they didn't have to be preoccupied so much with the force.

If Rey is the ultimate powerful Jedi, why did she need ghost Luke to pull his crappy X-wing out of the water with the force? Rey was blowing ships to smithereens using the force just an hour earlier. You know she had to use the force to get that forty year old piece of junk running. How many years had it been submerged like that? And she didn't even have a droid to help her fly it.

The Death Star ruins were also kind of cool. But it introduced a bunch of recycled ideas from The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi: the Death Star throne room, Luke going into the cave and seeing his image in Vader's mask, Vader's deathbed repentance. Really? Nothing original?

I've always wondered about passage of time in these movies. And this is a gripe with all of them and not just the latest. It bugs me that they send out a signal and the entire fleet is on the scene in like 15 seconds but yet they're always losing maps and can't figure out where some of the worlds are. Rey never changed clothes once the entire film even though she'd been training and crawling around in an old Death Star and fighting lightsaber battles out in the rain. She probably really needed a shower.

No romance at all in this trilogy. We had Han and Leia in the original trilogy and Padme and Anakin in the prequels. Young Han and Qi'ra in Solo. But this trilogy? Nothing. They waved at it a few times, like with Finn and Rose in the last one and Poe and the Keri Russell character this time around, but nothing interesting or ongoing. I guess they would say Kylo and Rey, but that's still super weird. Did anyone really want to see them kiss? Not me.

The lesbian kiss wasn't that subtle. They might as well have zoomed in for the close-up. But if you're going to be woke, J.J., let's be woke! Don't waste the big moment on a couple of throwaway characters! I'm sure they could have figured out a way for Rey to kiss a CGI Leia or something. It wouldn't have been any more uncomfortable than her kissing Kylo and no one cares about any of these characters anymore anyways.

The ending was interesting. Return of the Jedi brought up questions of incest in a galaxy far, far, away when Leia and Luke were revealed to be twins. The last scene in The Rise of Skywalker could have been interpreted a little differently if they hadn't already spelled out Rey's parentage earlier in the movie...

Maybe I'm just too old and grumpy.  I had to be the guy afterwards who didn't like it when everyone else did.  Maybe if I go see it again I'll appreciate it a little more and I'll be like, yeah, it's so great. It doesn't matter because none of this is of any significant consequence to my life. And I'll be back in a couple of years when Disney releases the next one. Because I don't like the comic book movies and I have to have at least one movie event in my life that I can go participate in. So the joke's on me.
 

Denver Broncos 2019 Recap

I'm reposting my Broncos preseason outlook here with my postseason comments. I think I was pretty spot-on, if I do say so myself.

The two biggest changes in 2019 are new head coach Vic Fangio and new quarterback Joe Flacco. Fangio has received good reviews thus far, but he's still unproven as a head coach. Flacco has a nice resume, but he's also 34 years old. There were reasons to be concerned about the F&F Connection heading into this year, and certainly Fangio had some rough patches although the strong finish ended talk of a one-and-done season. Flacco's Bronco career ended halfway through his first season due to injury and mediocre performance.

Otherwise, this is more or less the same team that went 6-10 last year. They've added some veteran help in the secondary, so the defense figures to continue to be solid. They succeeded in keeping the Broncos in most games, but often failed to protect late leads. Most of the question marks are on the offensive side. Will the offensive line perform any better? Mmmmm... Will any tight ends be able to stay on the field? Actually, yes. Is Emmanuel Sanders healthy? Yes, but wanted out as soon as it was apparent this bunch was not headed to the playoffs. How will RB Phillip Lindsay perform coming off a Pro Bowl rookie season? Followed up with a second consecutive 1,000 yard season. Will any of their young talent, such as Royce Freeman, Noah Fant, or Courtland Sutton, break through to stardom? Clearly, Sutton was the breakout star this year (72 catches for 1,112 yards) and Fant had some big plays which hinted of great things yet to come.

My guess is that we'll be disappointed in the answers to some of those questions. I will say the answers were more positive than negative. However, if Fangio's leadership and Flacco's experience make a difference, we could be in for a nice surprise. It's not out of the question that we could see their record flip to 10-6 in 2019. And it wasn't - this was a 7-9 team which failed to hold fourth quarter leads in four different games. We could be prepping for a wildcard round trip to Foxborough this weekend if they had held on to a couple of those.

And really, who are the insurmountable threats in the AFC, beyond the Chiefs and the Patriots? As it turns out, the Ravens. Are you really terrified of anyone else? The Ravens. The new-look Jets? Nope. The Titans or Texans? Both made the playoffs this year, but the Broncos shut out the Titans and blew the doors off the Texans in their own building. The Luck-less Colts? Not really, although this was one of those games the Broncos gave away. The Steelers and old man Roethlisberger? Nah. The San Diego Los Angeles Trash Cans? Broncos swept them this year. Some are expecting the Browns to make a leap forward, but are you sure about that? I was pretty sure they were nothing to worry about, and I was correct. Another losing season in the books for Cleveland!

Sure, a couple of really good teams will emerge as the season goes along, but we don't know who those are just yet. The Ravens. So why wouldn't you give the Broncos a shot at a wildcard spot? If not for the slow start, they would have been in the mix until the final weekend.

If they can get to Thanksgiving at 6-5, they're definitely in the mix with three home dates in December. They were 3-8 at Thanksgiving and that's why they weren't in the mix. But if Flacco gets off to a rough start, people are going to get impatient really quick and the Broncos could be drafting in the top 10 next year. Yup - folks were ready for Drew Lock before we even made it to Halloween.

Honestly, I think it seems like this year will be a modest improvement to 8-8. It was a modest improvement to 7-9. They'll look really good at times but will also lose some that they shouldn't, and will likely fall short of the playoffs in what looks to be a tough AFC West. Times when they looked really good: when they led playoff teams Minnesota and Houston at halftime by scores of 20-0 and 31-3. Times when they lost those they shouldn't: losing that same game to Minny, and losing games in the final minute to the Bears, Jaguars, and Colts. The AFC West turned out to be underwhelming outside of the Chiefs. The Broncos finished second.

Overall, it's encouraging to head into the offseason having gone 4-1 in December and not having head coach or quarterback at the top of your priorities. After two consecutive solid drafts, they need to keep bringing in good players regardless of  position. Although I think the offensive line should be among their draft priorities - the free agency route hasn't worked out so well...