So Sue Me: Episode IX Review

I didn't like it. But then, I didn't expect to like it.

Like most people, I was intrigued when it was announced in 2012 that Disney was acquiring Lucasfilm and would be producing a sequel trilogy. Not long afterwards, I watched the J.J. Abrams film Super 8. Suddenly I felt concerned. Super 8 was tantalizing before ultimately collapsing into an incoherent mess.

Having just forked over a wad of money to endure the ninth installment of the Skywalker Saga, I can now say that my concerns were not without merit. I was done with this one long before the closing credits rolled.

Here are my gripes with The Rise of Skywalker in no particular order:

First off, dumb title. What does it even mean? Rey's not really a Skywalker, and Luke is dead. What exactly is rising? Of course, none of the titles of the sequel trilogy have really been clever. It would have made more sense for Episode IX to be called The Last Jedi and call Episode XIII something else. I guess it's proof that they didn't really have a plan for any of this - just throwing crap against a wall and figuring out what sticks. Maybe J.J. will fix that in 20 years when we get the special edition re-edits.

Not a single memorable line of dialogue. Nothing clever. Nothing that even made you at least chuckle a little bit. No witty banter. A few solemn words spoken about the universe and how they're all going to show up and help if they just go fight the evil.

Poe and Finn are soooo boring. I know Poe is supposed to be the new version of Han Solo, the reckless nonconformist with amazing piloting skills, but let's be honest: no little kid is running around the house pretending to be Poe. And isn't that the name of the guy in Kung Fu Panda? As for Finn, in The Force Awakens, Finn seemed like he was going to have an important purpose in this new trilogy, but it turned out to be his ability to find equally pointless female characters to run around with. His was an interesting character idea but ultimately the idea went nowhere. I don't think there's much of a market for novelizations of the adventures of Poe and Finn post-Episode 9.

The undead Emperor Palpatine being all creepy down in the Sith cave was kind of cool. And the way they used him to tie up some loose ends worked fine. But it also seemed like they were admitting, "You know what? We tried creating some new characters, and they all suck." Did we need to see Han Solo again? (Nope) Did Lando really need to be in this to make it work? (Nothing against Lando, but the answer is no) If we think BB-8 is cool, why are C-3PO and R2-D2 still prominent? Threepio had way too many lines and was cringeworthy throughout. And when Luke showed up, I was fit to be tied. I'm so done with crusty old man Luke. I did not need to see him again.

Not much of a story. Just rushing from one video game sequence to another. It reminded me of a Marvel movie. And I don't like those either. Whatever story they try to tell is borrowed from the earlier movies.

I know it's science "fiction" but it doesn't even seem like they're trying to get you to suspend your disbelief anymore. I'm not a physicist, but fighting a battle on the surface of a Star Destroyer? Is that a thing that could happen, even in a galaxy far, far away?

Maybe they were using the force, because what can't the force do? Apparently it can pass physical objects through some dimension of space. And do video chats. And blow up ships. And heal. And suck the life force from people. Are Jedis in fact mutants from X-men? I've had this opinion for awhile but I think the Jedi have been weighing down the movies for too long. Rogue One and Solo were better films because they didn't have to be preoccupied so much with the force.

If Rey is the ultimate powerful Jedi, why did she need ghost Luke to pull his crappy X-wing out of the water with the force? Rey was blowing ships to smithereens using the force just an hour earlier. You know she had to use the force to get that forty year old piece of junk running. How many years had it been submerged like that? And she didn't even have a droid to help her fly it.

The Death Star ruins were also kind of cool. But it introduced a bunch of recycled ideas from The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi: the Death Star throne room, Luke going into the cave and seeing his image in Vader's mask, Vader's deathbed repentance. Really? Nothing original?

I've always wondered about passage of time in these movies. And this is a gripe with all of them and not just the latest. It bugs me that they send out a signal and the entire fleet is on the scene in like 15 seconds but yet they're always losing maps and can't figure out where some of the worlds are. Rey never changed clothes once the entire film even though she'd been training and crawling around in an old Death Star and fighting lightsaber battles out in the rain. She probably really needed a shower.

No romance at all in this trilogy. We had Han and Leia in the original trilogy and Padme and Anakin in the prequels. Young Han and Qi'ra in Solo. But this trilogy? Nothing. They waved at it a few times, like with Finn and Rose in the last one and Poe and the Keri Russell character this time around, but nothing interesting or ongoing. I guess they would say Kylo and Rey, but that's still super weird. Did anyone really want to see them kiss? Not me.

The lesbian kiss wasn't that subtle. They might as well have zoomed in for the close-up. But if you're going to be woke, J.J., let's be woke! Don't waste the big moment on a couple of throwaway characters! I'm sure they could have figured out a way for Rey to kiss a CGI Leia or something. It wouldn't have been any more uncomfortable than her kissing Kylo and no one cares about any of these characters anymore anyways.

The ending was interesting. Return of the Jedi brought up questions of incest in a galaxy far, far, away when Leia and Luke were revealed to be twins. The last scene in The Rise of Skywalker could have been interpreted a little differently if they hadn't already spelled out Rey's parentage earlier in the movie...

Maybe I'm just too old and grumpy.  I had to be the guy afterwards who didn't like it when everyone else did.  Maybe if I go see it again I'll appreciate it a little more and I'll be like, yeah, it's so great. It doesn't matter because none of this is of any significant consequence to my life. And I'll be back in a couple of years when Disney releases the next one. Because I don't like the comic book movies and I have to have at least one movie event in my life that I can go participate in. So the joke's on me.
 

Random Amazon Video Watches

So many choices on Amazon Prime. Sometimes you just got to stop the scrolling and pick something. Here are reviews of some of my recent finds:

High School U.S.A.
It's really not very good. It was made-for-TV in the 80's and it shows. But there are familiar faces galore, covering everything from Gilligan's Island to Diff'rent Strokes to Wings. And it's not the only cheaply made 80's movie with Michael J. Fox and Nancy McKeon as a romantic pairing. (Also see: Poison Ivy) Plus, apparently those two dated in real life back in the day...news to me. The question is, why didn't NBC ever work out a deal for Alex P. Keaton and Jo Polniaczek to meet up on either Family Ties or The Facts of Life?

Girls Just Want to Have Fun
Pretty low-budget. It came out two years after Cyndi Lauper's song of the same title, and yet the movie uses a different version for its soundtrack. Basically, this movie is Footloose, but in Chicago. And it's Sarah Jessica Parker instead of Kevin Bacon. She just moved to the Windy City and wants to audition for "Dance TV" which just so happens to be filmed there. But her strict military father keeps close tabs on her comings and goings and so...that's not going to be easy. Helen Hunt plays her best friend but seems a little old to be playing a high school role. Speaking of people too old to be playing high school roles, keep an eye out for a young Shannen Doherty in this one. Anyways, the movie is not terrible but also there are reasons this isn't in the conversation of great 80's teen flicks.

Stranger Than Fiction
This was a re-watch, though it has been several years since I saw it the first time. Will Ferrell plays an IRS auditor who doesn't realize he's a character in a book being written by Emma Thompson. Maggie Gyllenhaal is a bakery owner he's auditing. Dustin Hoffman is the college professor who's talking him through the dilemma. I find certain parts relatable - there aren't many good accounting movies out there - things like "is this a seven or a nine?" and being handed a box of trash/receipts. Will Ferrell does well in a role that's a departure from his typical goofball fare. I'm not well acquainted with her other work beyond say, The Dark Knight, but Maggie Gyllenhaal is great in this movie. Also keep an eye out for Queen Latifah and Buster from Arrested Development.

She's Having a Baby
A lesser-known John Hughes movie from the 80's, although not about teenagers. Apparently it didn't do well at the box office - the title is a little misleading. You might think "chick flick" but it's really more of a male-driven story. Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern are Jake and Kristy Briggs, a young married couple who settle in Chicago. The story focuses more on Jake, who is the typical guy who doesn't really know what he wants to do or if he's ready for family life and her parents don't really approve of him. The movie is definitely from the 80's and shows its age a little bit, but I was surprised how many things made me smile. My favorite characters were probably his neighbors. "You know what I like about you, Briggsy? Your wife, and your lawnmower." I won't spoil anything other than to say that the film carries an uplifting, pro-marriage message. That said, it's not exactly wholesome family fare (PG-13) although to be honest no kid under the age of about 20 would have any interest in this movie. Alec Baldwin plays their "friend" who is kind of a slimeball - probably wasn't much of a stretch for him. The rest of the cast is filled with familiar but not famous faces so you can also spend time trying to figure out what you've seen them in before.

Thoughts on The Last Jedi

After two weeks, I finally was able to go and see Episode VIII with the family. 

Here's my background. I'm in my 40s and grew up with the original trilogy. I've seen all of them dozens of times. I was an avid collector of the action figures from about 1982 to 1984. I read the first Timothy Zahn book that came out but that's about as far as I went with the expanded universe material. I find the attempt to replace the original stories with the special editions abominable. The prequels are okay, I'm not as down on them as some folks, but they just aren't as rewatchable as the originals. I've only been to see one of the Star Wars movies on opening night (Attack of the Clones). I'm far too busy these days to spend too much time thinking about Star Wars.

I spent some time reading some of the criticisms after seeing the movie, and I wanted to react to some of those opinions and give some of my own thoughts on the movie. Before too much time passes and I don't care anymore.

Entertainment-wise, The Last Jedi delivered. So I won't be one of those who says it was a waste of money. I paid $60 for the movie to entertain my family for a couple of hours and I received what I paid for. I think if I go see it again on the big screen, and I most likely will, I would be entertained again. But beyond that. . . I'm not sure. Is it a movie that I would thirst to watch over and over on DVD? 

Visually, TLJ is great to look at. The great triumph of The Force Awakens was that it wasn't as fake-looking as some of the prequels. Could be advances in technology, could be better filmmaking. I'm not sure. I'm just the audience and I like what I see.

They did well in casting Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley. You can say whatever about the flaws in the story behind their characters, and there are some valid criticisms, but if they are on screen, I pay attention. A big step up from having to watch the awkward Hayden Christensen/Natalie Portman/Ewan McGregor triumvirate.

I'm okay with what they did with Luke in this movie. What did people expect? That he's just been anxiously waiting years for someone to come after him? No, of course not! He didn't want to be found. So of course he'd be a little annoyed at Rey for showing up unannounced and it would take some time for him to come around.

I love that there were no desert planets. We got a casino planet and a salt planet.

A lot of criticisms out there about the humor. The crank-call to the Star Destroyer seemed a bit out of place, but then again it does seem consistent with Poe's character as he did the same sort of clowning to Kylo Ren early in Episode VII.

Luke milking the weird creature for a blue beverage? I liked it. It seemed like a reference to dinner with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru in Episode IV.

Chewbacca guilted into not eating the Porgs? It's okay to have a few lighter moments.

Leia's force-float? I guess so, but why? If I'd been in charge, I would have done something different. But I'm not in charge.

What's the point of Captain Phasma? It seems like we're meant to feel in awe of her mighty strength, but up to this point she's about as incompetent as every other stormtrooper, just with a little better armor.

What's the point of the Finn character? It seems like in the Force Awakens he was positioned to be maybe a love interest for Rey or maybe someone who possessed some force capabilities (he did wield a lightsaber). And in this movie, he's back to the guy who wants to run away. He gets a plot thread where he gets to ride the space horses through the casino. I really wanted him to drive into the big cannon at the end of the movie, partially because he's kind of a pointless character to still be dragging around, but also because it would provide some sort of resolution for the character. He told Rose earlier that he wasn't a Resistance Hero. But that was his chance to really become one! By sacrificing himself for the cause! But no, Rose knocked him off course so she could deliver her peace & love message.

And Rose! What was that kiss? If you're going to kiss him, KISS him. I've seen people kiss their mom more passionately than that. It made me think, oh, maybe Rose doesn't actually like boys. 

Which brings me to another point. These movies are totally devoid of any romance. I mean, I realize it's sci-fi/fantasy, but the tension between Han and Leia really added some wonderful flavor to the original trilogy. Maybe after the disastrous scenes between Anakin and Padme they don't even want to chance it. But seriously, they haven't even left open any possibilities. Who in the Disney version of Star Wars would ever get together?

Finn and Rey? I guess not.

Kylo and Rey? No way, and kind of gross. Very sibling-eque vibe between them.

Hux and Phasma? That would have been something. And then she files a workplace sexual harassment suit against him.

Finn and Rose? Could've been, until the lame kiss.

Poe and BB-8? I mean, this is clearly the most viable love story going.

I mean, there's really just absolutely nothing going on. I thought Disney was good at princesses and romance and stuff. I guess not. . .

It was kind of annoying at the end where Finn and Rose are seconds away from being executed, and then the whole deck and everyone on it are blasted to smithereens. Oh, except for Finn and Rose, who are rescued by BB-8 who was inexplicably able to get up into and pilot one of the Imperial Walkers from Endor.

I thought TLJ was a little bit too long. The throne room conflict was pretty epic. But would that have been better saved for the next movie, or at the very least, been the end of this one? 

And what was the point of Snoke? It seems like they thought, hey, we need an Emperor-like figure who's pulling all the strings. Let's give him a name that sounds like something out of Harry Potter and plug him in there! It was super cool to see him get sawed in half though.

I'm not sure where they go from here. What's left?

Han dead. Luke dead. Leia will be dead. Snoke dead, Laura Dern also dead. Unless she too, was able to use the force-float to save herself.

Rey has already faced Snoke and Kylo Ren and resisted the dark side.

I guess the questions still out there are:

1) will Kylo Ren turn away from the dark side or will he be destroyed? It has to be one or the other.

2) what will happen with the Resistance? They are depleted, but I'm guessing they eventually triumph.

3) Is it true that Rey's parents were nobodies, or was Kylo Ren making up stuff? And does it even matter? 

4) Perhaps most importantly. . . will Rose live? (I'm being facetious)

TLJ showcases a fair amount of Girl Power! and Equality! We already had Leia, then we add Rey, the next generation of Jedi. We have Finn, the black escapee Stormtrooper, and Phasma, the robust lady stormtrooper (however lame she may be). And now we have Rose freeing the space horses and Laura Dern using light speed to slice the First Order ship in half. It seems like they are really eager to  introduce these diverse characters into the Star Wars universe even though there's really no place for many of them to go in the overall story. 

And the overall story isn't great. Making a case that it's anything other than the story from the original trilogy dressed up a little differently is hard to do.

But if you think about it from a business perspective, Disney didn't pay 4 billion dollars to tell a story that speaks to the souls of Star Wars fans. They paid it to make money, and lots of it. They probably don't care about recycled plot lines or poor character development. A little nostalgia, lots of explosions, and if in the end it doesn't all make sense, they probably don't really care as long as there are butts in the seats. 

Star Wars was born out of George Lucas's desire to tell a story. The prequels were born out of a desire to showcase new filmmaking technology. And the Disney versions are born out of a desire to make gobs off money off a proven franchise. We can take it or leave it. They aren't in it to make art. 

As Han said to Leia in the original film: Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money. 

And Leia responds: You needn't worry about your reward. If money is all you love, then that is what you shall receive.

Disney is getting their reward.

Mickey D's of the Future

So I promised this wasn't a food blog. And it's not. But writing about things that you've had to eat is quick and easy. Recently, a brand-new McDonald's opened up about a mile from our house. I thought it was going to be just another run-of-the-mill McDonald's. Turns out, it's not. It's a new concept called "Create Your Taste" which allows you to build your own burger or chicken sandwich according to your own preference. We got some promotional coupons in the mail for free sandwiches and decided to try it out for our date night.

You order your food using a touch-screen kiosk, which guides you through the process of your own creation. You get to select the type of bun, the type of cheese, and any additional toppings or sauces. Some items add to your price - for example, bacon - and others are included in the price. We actually went kind of wild because it was completely free regardless of how much we added. So I wound up with a double-bacon cheeseburger, with lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, guacamole, and barbecue sauce.



They had a lot of different toppings, everything from mushrooms to tortilla strips, and sauces from Big Mac sauce to chipotle mayo. It takes a little longer - you go and have a seat and they bring it out to you about 10 minutes later. And it's served in a wire basket just as pictured above, not smashed together and wrapped up.

The interior of the restaurant is fancier than your typical McDonalds. Although it looked really nice, I kind of wondered how long it would be before it ends up trashed. They had these pristine white pull-down shades over the windows and I can just imagine little kids smearing ketchup and grease all over them. But maybe kids won't come so much as it's more of an adult place.

They do have these tablet computers attached to some of the tables, for kids to play, and I can guarantee those will be destroyed and then pitched into the trash within two years.

So we'll see how this goes for McDonald's. It's kind of like McDonald's meets Smashburger meets Subway, but with some technology added in.

We're not really McDonald's people, so I'm not sure if we'll go back as full-paying customers. It's kind of a pricier meal, in the $8-$10 range, if you were going in without any coupons. We'll have to see.

Zethro's Fall TV Preview Part IV

Parks and Recreation (Thursdays, NBC): I'm sorry to say, but as much as I love this show, we've probably seen the best it has to offer already (seasons 2 & 3). So it is probably doomed to follow the same arc as The Office - we're no longer in the zone where pretty much every episode is guaranteed to be great. We'll see many decent-to-good episodes, with a few brilliant ones sprinkled in. They've pretty much admitted that the golden years are over - a book was recently released on the fictional town of Pawnee, which is pretty much an admission that there isn't a whole lot of new material from here on out. But maybe if Rob Lowe fixed his hair. . .

Whitney (Thursdays, NBC): It actually looked funny from the vignette promos that ran all summer on NBC. It's about a girl named Whitney and her bearded live-in boyfriend, and the hilarity of their non-married life. But it's hard to make a whole show out of vignettes. We gave it a try, and although it is better than Outsourced (last season's NBC Thursday night stinker), we decided it wasn't worth a place on the regular viewing schedule. But maybe if they got rid of the laugh track. . .

Up All Night (Wednesdays, NBC): NBC's promos for their new fall shows, which ran constantly during America's Got Talent last summer, really worked on me. This is another one I tried based on the promo. It's the story of a couple, played by Will Arnett and Christina Applegate, and they have a baby, and so the show is about how the baby is causing all sorts of havoc for their lives. Plus Maya Rudolph is involved. I didn't expect to like it, and actually didn't like it after watching the pilot. It's kind of harsh to judge a show on the pilot episode, but them's the breaks. At least this couple is married.

Prime Suspect (Thursdays (?), NBC): A cop show set in NYC, with homicide detective Jane Timoney as the main character. I would compare her to Veronica Mars, if only Veronica were 25 years older and working in NYC. Jane tends to rub people the wrong way, but has a knack for solving crimes. So the show is kind of about not only solving the cases, but how she isn't necessarily well-liked by her coworkers. As one of them said, "You have the worst personality ever." We're not big cop show people, so I can't really judge this against any other cop shows, but we actually like it. Which is pretty much the kiss of death. We were into the cop show Life, which lasted two seasons before being canceled by NBC a couple of years ago. And then there was Veronica Mars, which more of a PI show than a cop show, but still - canceled after three seasons. And Prime Suspect is rumored to be in trouble. They're beginning to move it around to different nights, trying to get people to watch.

Hmmm. So that should be about it. There's probably another show that I tried, but I'm not thinking of it right now. I hope my perspectives on the 2011 TV season were helpful to you in some way.

Zethro's Fall TV Preview Part III

Modern Family (Wednesdays, ABC): I'm a little worried about ModFam this season. The well is starting to run dry on a few of their standard jokes - Claire is uptight, Phil is a little boy trapped in an adult body, Manny is an adult trapped in a kid body, Gloria is loud and hard to understand, etc. - we get all that. Even Cam, the standout character from the first season, is starting to feel a little stale. It will be interesting to see if they do anything to freshen it up. I don't think talking Lily is the answer, however.

Community (Thursdays, NBC): I'm selling all my stock in this show. I didn't really like it to begin with, but sort of got sucked in after a couple of outstanding fisrt season episodes (the ones about chicken fingers and paintball), but now I'm back to square one. It's just not worth the investment when so many of the episodes are blah. Besides, season three of a show about community college? Shouldn't they all be done by now?

The Big Bang Theory (Thursdays, NBC): I keep wanting to sell my stock in this show, but keep getting lured back in by Shelden, for whom the joke well never seems to run dry. Jim Parsons is worth the Emmy and whatever money they pay him. And what does a show about nerds do to keep the laughs coming? Introduce more nerds. I enjoy any episode with Mayim Bialik (yes, that Mayim Bialik) as Amy Farrah Fowler, the female equivalent of Shelden.

The Office (Thursday, NBC): It doesn't completely make sense that Andy is the new regional manager. Michael at least made some sense, because although he could be a terrible boss, he was a great salesman. And everything that has been presented over the past couple of seasons has portrayed Andy as having one of the worst sales records in the office. But there is a lot that doesn't make sense with this show over the past four seasons - don't get me started, I could do an entire post on just this show and maybe I will sometime. But it's okay - it's a comedy. It's just supposed to make you laugh, not make you think, right?

I think I only have a couple more shows to do, so stay tuned for Part IV.

Zethro's Fall TV Preview Part II

The Biggest Loser (Tuesdays, NBC): E-liz would probably love it if I would get on board with this show. But I just haven't been able to do it. The melodrama of this show has just proven to be too much for me to handle. I can't handle the tears and the yelling and screaming. I can't handle that scale beep-beep-beeping for five minutes before it finally gives the weight. I can't handle breaking to commerical in the middle of a weigh-in. I can't handle that Alison Sweeney chick reciting "your current weight is. . ." with such gravity you'd think she was presenting the Best Picture Oscar. I can't handle that trainer guy Bob and his beard. I can't handle every episode being two hours long.

Survivor (Wednesday, CBS): I just keep coming back. I proclaimed before this season that I was going to take another hiatus from Survivor. But then I heard that not one, but two Mormons were going to be on this season. One of the Mormons is Dawn, who's in her forties and I think a BYU professor. The other Mormon is a guy, but I'm not even sure of his name because so far they've given him about 2.8 seconds of screen time. There is also this guy Brandon on this season who is a real piece of work. It's always amazing how the players get so offended about being voted off and the other Survivors not playing with integrity. Uh. . . this show has been on for like 12 years, guys. Get with the program. I still watch, maybe only because I can sit and make snide remarks about Jeff Probst.

Well, I'm already out of time for today so this will have to do for now. This may end up being a five-parter.

Zethro's Fall TV Preview Part I

Ah, fall is here. Kids are back in school, leaves are turning, and new shows to watch on the tube. The anticipation is great - until you realize that most of the new shows suck and aren't worth watching. You might be thinking, wow, this guy watches too much TV, and maybe that's true, but when you've got a baby who needs a lot of holding, what else are you going to do? Build an addition on the garage?

Here's my take on the Fall TV Season thus far:

The Amazing Race (Sundays, CBS): This used to be one of our main shows to watch, but then we stopped for a few years. E-liz has been wanting to start watching again the past couple of seasons, but we haven't, maybe because of the weird Sunday time slot, and maybe because I technically didn't want to. It's an okay show, but a little boring at times (here's one team riding in a cab, and here's another team riding in a cab, and here's yet another team riding in a cab) and sometimes seems a little rigged (they always make like there is a big crisis with one of the teams not being able to get a flight, but somehow they always all end up on the same plane). Plus, the host, Phil, kind of bugs me sometimes. By the way, we would be terrible if we ever went on this show.

Pan Am (Sundays, ABC): Speaking of planes and flights, E-liz looked at me with shock when I told her I had DVR'd the pilot episode of Pan Am, as if I had DVR'd professional wrestling or CSPAN. But now she professes to like the show, which is based around a group of stewardesses who see the world as employees of Pan Am Airlines. Of course, I'm all about nostalgia and enjoy the look in at a different era. So far, it's pretty tame content-wise, compared to say, Mad Men. It will be interesting to see how long they can keep it interesting - there's some serious potential to run out of plots and storylines pretty quick, and the sixties nostalgia won't keep it afloat forever.

NFL Football (Sundays & Mondays, CBS/FOX/NBC/ESPN): I wish I had more time to sit around and watch pro football, because I really do enjoy it. However, the way life is right now, there just isn't time. I always DVR the Broncos game, and sometimes it takes me two or three days to watch it, if I get through it at all. And that includes skipping through commercials and a lot of dead time between plays. Sigh. No big deal, since it appears the Broncos are on their way to another 4-12 season. At least Tim T. will keep us all interested.

The Playboy Club (was Mondays, NBC): I never watched it, although I did see roughly 2,572 promos while watching America's Got Talent last summer. My guess was that it was going to end up being canceled by Thanksgiving. I was wrong. It was canceled by Halloween, lasting just three episodes before NBC pulled the plug.

2 Broke Girls (Mondays, CBS): Technically, I only watched about two and a half minutes of this one night. It didn't look that compelling, although it seems to be getting good reviews.

So I had to include a couple of shows I don't watch so it actually seems like a Fall TV Preview, and not just a listing of what I watch.

Check back for Part II.

If You Strike Me Down, I Shall Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine

In case you didn't hear, little Anna did not make it through to the finals of American's Got Talent. Her performance of Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" was admittedly a bit off, and with the judges raving about several other performances, the handwriting was on the wall as Tuesday's show wrapped up.

I held out hope that America would grade her on her whole body of work, but apparently they did not, and she was eliminated on Wednesday night from the competition.

The acts who will square off next week for the grand prize are Team iLuminate, Silhouettes, Poplyfe, and Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.

If the judges had to select a winner at their sole discretion, it's clear that they would have given it to Team iLuminate a couple of weeks ago. But since it's America voting, it will probably be the act which performs the best Tuesday night.

The double standards of the judges kind of bug me. It's not clear to me, and doesn't seem to be clear to the contestants, exactly how much they like to see the acts branch out and take risks.

In the early stages of the competition, Professor Splash wowed the judges with his bellyflops into the kiddie pool, but he was often questioned about what else he could do. When he finally did something a little different, they said it wasn't as good as the dives into the shallow pool. And he was immediately eliminated.

Sandau Trio Russian Bar ran into the same problem - in their efforts to do something different, they bombed badly, and were rightly criticized for it. Yet if they had continued doing variations on the original act, it seems likely that they would have been raked over the coals.

On Tuesday, the Miami All-Stars were criticized during the Top 10 show because Piers did not like the football/cheerleader theme of their performance, and said that he preferred the swing they had done in the semifinals.

However, minutes later, West Springfield Dance Team rolled out another edition of their unique brand of "gore-dance". Sharon seemed to think it was boring because they were expecting the same type of act. However, the similarily of their routines had never seemed to bother the judges before. I'm not sure what the judges wanted them to do - perhaps put on brightly-colored pastels and dance around with lollipops?

If I were a conspiracy theorist, I would argue that the rejection of Miami All-Stars and WSDT was simply a case of the judges making sure that the decks were cleared for their preferred dance acts - Team iLuminate and Silhouettes. Those two acts probably work a little better for a Vegas-type show - is it possible that the judges receive pressure from the producers of AGT or NBC to hype certain acts?

I bring this up because like WSDT, every act that Silhouettes has rolled out has been more or less the same - patriotic, heartstring-tugging themes - and yet the judges have been effusive in their praise every time. On Tuesday, AGT aired a manipulative human interest piece before Silhouettes went on - about many of the girls suffering from chronic illnesses, and their director not having any kids of her own, so all the dancers call her mom, and so on. It's clear they wanted them to go through Tuesday night, and America got the message.

The judges are clearly rooting for Team iLuminate to take the $1 million. I'm sure Team iLuminate could do whatever they want next on stage next Tuesday, and as long as it isn't a disaster, the judges will be ecstatic.

I guess Poplyfe is good, although they just don't connect with me for some reason. I wouldn't pay to see them - let's put it that way.

So I'm left to pull for Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. to croon his way to victory.

If you're thinking, wow, he's sounding kind of bitter and vindictive, well, I am, because my favorite just lost, and I don't care what happens to the rest of them. I'll miss her performances, which were akin to Carrie Underwood on American Idol. You didn't ever want to miss them, because they seemed like history in the making.

From the moment we heard "What a Wonderful World" nearly two months ago, it seemed that she had a blow-your-doors off quality that the other acts did not possess. And when she rolled out her version of "Home Sweet Home" a couple of weeks ago, it seemed like the momentum would be enough to carry her all the way. But I guess the demand to be ever-improving proved to be too much for a little kid, however remarkable she might be.

The good news for her, like Jennifer Hudson, is that this is just the beginning.

In case you haven't seen the show and are wondering what I'm talking about, please see my post immediately preceding this one.

What a Wonderful World

Ranking AGT Semifinal Show #2

12. Gymkana. Thanks for playing.

11. Steven Retchless. You are gross, sir.

10. Fatally Unique. West Springfield Dance Team called and they want their concept back.

9. Sihouettes. I personally didn’t get it.

8. Summerwind Skippers. The mistakes are finally going to cost them.

7. Snap Boogie. He did well, but lacked the wow factor.

6. Landon Swank. I’ll give the magician credit – he did well.

5. The Kinetic King. He’s not a performer in the same way that everyone else is, but he’s still got talent.

4. Professor Splash. The judges wanted to see him do something else, so he did, and they said they liked the other thing better.

3. Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. Is the fact that he’s sort of a one-trick pony going to catch up with him?

2. Smage Bros Riding Shows. Can we get these guys a bigger stage? Professor Splash gets to go outside.

1. Anna Graceman. Having mastered Alicia Keys and Louie Armstrong, she moves on to. . . Motley Crue? The other contestants have to be worried – it’s hard to imagine that she won’t win or at least be there at the very end.

I’m usually pretty good at picking who will go through – I was four for five last week. I predict that these five will advance tonight:

Anna Graceman
Smage Bros Riding Shows
Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.
The Kinetic King
The judges will be left to choose between Professor Splash and Landon Swank, and the magician will edge the diver by a 2-to-1 vote.

Ranking AGT Semifinal Show #1

The first semifinal show was on last night. And I can't help myself. I have to rank them.

12. Kevin Colis - As Helen Hunt once said, buh-bye.

11. Sandau Trio Russian Bar - It saddens me to say it, because I had them ranked #2 overall, but they're done. When asked by the judges why they went for the upside-down piano act, they stated that they didn't have any more that they could do on Russian Bar. But if that was their second-best talent? Yikes.

10. Matt Wilhelm - The judges really built this guy up a couple of weeks ago, only to tear him back down last night. The only people more intolerant of a mistake are Olympic gymnastic TV commentators. As for me, he is who I thought he was. He's good, but not quite good enough.

9. Beth Ann Robinson - I guess my problem on young Miss Robinson is that I don't have a good frame of reference for what she does. I haven't watched enough dancing to know what's good and what's bad.

8. Team iLuminate - We're moving into Li'l Sebastian territory here. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I like other acts more.

7. Daniel Joseph Baker - He gives flawless performances every week, so there's no question about his talent. But I wouldn't ever be disappointed if I missed his act or if he was eliminated, so there's something missing.

6. Zuma Zuma - A lot of what they do seems kind of repetitive. Like Matt Wilhelm, it's kind of unclear how they would be able to come up with enough material for a full show.

5. Lys Agnes - I wonder if she ever feels weird that the judges are always praising how beautiful she is. Personally, I'm kind of running into the frame of reference problem a little bit with her singing.

4. Melissa Villasenor - My concern is that she probably isn't going to have enough ammo to beat the big guns. What she has going for her is that she is very likeable. You can't help but smile when she's on stage.

3. West Springfield Dance Team - So, if you haven't been watching, they first appeared on the YouTube show, but were not one of the four acts selected for the semifinals. But Sharon selected them for the Wildcard show, and they did make it through on that round. They're growing on me, and I think they are a serious contender.

2. Poplyfe - Performed "Come Together" last night and pulled it off quite well. I had them ranked in the middle of the pack because I wasn't sure how I felt about them, but I think they are clearly one of the top 10 at this point.

1. Miami All-Stars - I had them ranked WAY too low - probably because it has been so long since I've seen them perform (I think they were the first act of the Top 48 to perform - which was six weeks ago). These fools can dance! I think they were probably the best act from last night.

So that's how I would rank them. But here are the five who I predict will go through tonight:

Miami All-Stars
Poplyfe
Team iLuminate
Daniel Joseph Baker
Lys Agnes

Ranking AGT Semifinalists

I'm tired of all the pestering e-mails and calls demanding my updated rankings for the America's Got Talent semifinalists. So fine. Here they are.

(JK - I might be the only person on the face of the earth who takes time to rank everyone on AGT)

This updates my previous rankings to include the eight who made it through the YouTube and Wildcard shows, along with comments.

24. Kevin Colis, singer. America's Got Desperate. . .for a white male pop singer. Because I didn't think he was that good.
23. Steven Retchless, pole dancer.
22. Landon Swank, magician. Sigh. I guess Wildcard show is a good idea, but on the other hand, America already passed on you once. . .
21. Daniel Joseph Baker, singer.
20. Miami All-Stars, dance team.
19. Matt Wilhelm, bike stunts. The "headliner" from the YouTube show. The judges were practically ready to call the entire compeition for Wilhelm. But it didn't look good on television, because he was doing it in the dark. All you have to do to impress the judges is turn out the lights and do something while glowing in the dark. They'll be eating out of your hand.
18. Smage Bros Riding Shows, dirt bike stunts.
17. Beth Ann Robinson, dancer. She's from the YouTube show also. You can't be too hard on her because she's 14 and very talented, but her act just doesn't scream "superstar" to me.
16. Poplyfe, musical group.
15. Fatally Unique, dance team.
14. The Kinetic King, kinetic artist. Somehow he's back from the dead, making it through on the Wildcard show.
13. Team iLuminate, glow-in-the-dark dance team.
12. Zuma Zuma, gymnasts/contortionists.
11. West Springfield Dance Team. They needed to appear on both the YouTube and Wildcard shows, but they somehow squeezed into the semis.
10. Summerwind Skippers, rope jumpers. My highest ranked act from the Wildcard show.
9. Snap Boogie, breakdancer.
8. Lys Agnes, singer.
7. Silhouettes, shadow artists.
6. Gymkana, gymnasts. I thought they were the highlight of the YouTube show, not Mr. Glow Bike. We'll see how well they maintain this high ranking, since they have only performed once - not three or four times like many of the others.
5. Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.
4. Professor Splash.
3. Melissa Villasenor.
2. Sandau Trio Russian Bar.
1. Anna Graceman.

And yes, I am super excited for this week's show, especially now that we have separated the contenders from the pretenders (with a couple of exceptions).

Observations on Kingergarten Cop

I never do this, but one night recently Kingergarten Cop was on one of the cable channels - TBS or TNT - I don't remember and it doesn't matter, but I sat and watched the whole thing.

This movie seemed really dated. I remember seeing Kindergarten Cop in the theater 20 years ago, for one of my friends' birthday parties. Afterwards, his mom was concerned that my mom would be upset that she had taken me to a PG-13 movie. Even though I was 15 years old at the time.

Sometimes when I'm watching a movie I like to say lines out loud from one of the actor's other movies. Penelope Ann Miller is in Kindergarten Cop, so field day for me.

"You just moved!"
"I don't have any cash!"
"Why would you hurt a poor defenseless little kitten?"

Arnold might be the weirdest movie star ever. They try to portray him in this movie to be a real studly cop who has all the womenfolk swooning. But Arnold making out with Penelope Ann Miller. . . it's kinda gross.

That being said, Arnold is hilarious. "It's not a tumah!"

If they made a show about dumbest movie criminals ever, Cullen Crisp is probably in the top 10. He attempts the kidnapping even though he's already introduced himself to the principal and knows that the cop who has been trying to nail him for years is in the building. He sets fire to the school to create a diversion, but that only guaranteed that firefighters and law enforcement were going to be on the scene in a matter of mintues. His plan had about zero percent chance of working.

Ranking AGT Top 16

So this is the first year I've really gotten into America's Got Talent with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. It's kind of an interesting show.

There was the "tour of cities" from which they sent a bunch of people to Vegas. In Vegas, they narrowed it down to 48 acts and sent them to Hollywood. Now it's down to 16 semifinalists, only they still need 8 more semifinalists before they can have the semifinals. I think they get 4 from the "YouTube" show and 4 from the "Wildcard" show. I'm still kind of new to all the rules.

Anyways, as you know I love ranking stuff, so I thought it would be appropriate to rank the 16 semifinalists which we have been following these past couple of months. Because the title of this blog is "In My Book" they are ranked according to my personal preference and not according to what I think their actual chances of winning the show are.

16. Steven Retchless. Watching him sort of makes you want to retch. There's no doubt he's talented and incredibly strong, but as Piers commented once, there is a reason there are no male pole dancing clubs.

15. Daniel Joseph Baker. I'm probably not being fair to old D.J. because technically I missed his last performance. But in general, he doesn't really appeal to me, so he would probably end up in this spot anyways.

14. Miami All-Stars. It's a dance group. I know that. But I don't really remember anything about their performance. I do remember thinking that they stole a slot in the semifinals from the family who raced around on their motorbikes inside the sphere.

13. Smage Bros Riding Shows. The judges seem to be quite taken with these guys. But then the judges think whatever the last thing they saw was the most dangerous thing they have ever seen. It's a bunch of guys doing tricks on dirtbikes.

12. Poplyfe. I feel like I missed something on their last performance - the judges were raving but it seemed pretty regular to me.

11. Fatally Unique. I'm surprised I have them up this high, as they are a dance group. But their last performance was actually not bad.

10. Team iLuminate. The judges are quite bullish on Team iLuminate, as they were basically ready to hand the keys to the universe over to them last week. It's cool, dancing around in the dark with light-up suits on, but not really super memorable for me.

9. Zuma Zuma. I like them, but I thought their last act was a little boring. Is that wrong? Because they were doing backflips off of poles from insane heights, and other similarly impressive feats.

8. Snap Boogie. He's a pretty compelling act for a solo dancer.

7. Lys Agnes. Great voice. Doesn't look like the sterotypical classical/opera singer, but she is really good. Gets a few bonus points for being from Denver.

6. Silhouettes. If it were a bunch of adults running around behind a curtain making pictures with their shadows, I'm not sure if it would be as big of a deal. But because it is a bunch of kids, it's pretty cool. Again, I'm probably giving them a little bump in the standings for being from the Denver area.

5. Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. Probably the Cinderella story of the competition - a black man from small-town West Virginia who washes cars for a living. Oh, and also sings like Frank Sinatra. You sort of keep expecting his bubble to burst but he keeps on cooking.

4. Professor Splash. He gets extra points from me because while a lot of the other acts might get hurt, he actually does get hurt - guaranteed. They showed him once sitting in an ambulance getting treated afterwards and he gets all bruised up. Belly-flopping from insane heights into 12 inches of water - well, it would probably kill me.

3. Melissa Villasenor. Impossible not to like, both because of her personality and her act. She's done some great celebrity impersonations - Natalie Portman, Drew Barrymore, Owen Wilson, Michael Jackson, Judy Garland. I don't know that she will make it to the end, but I'm glad we get to watch her at least one more time.

2. Sandau Trio Russian Bar. The Russian Bar is apparently this super flexible plank, about as wide as a balance beam. Two guys are holding either end, while a girl is doing insane backflips with half-twists and everything else. Oh, and last time they had a board filled with nails and also on fire under the Russian Bar. I think it's slightly more compelling than Professor Splash because it's not over in 5 seconds.

1. Anna Graceman. I think she's the clear leader at this point. I've kind of been wondering if she has an unfair advantage because she's so young. Would we be as impressed with Anna if she gave the same performances as a 22-year-old? I'm not sure. You could raise the same questions with a lot of acts - would Landau be as compelling if he were a wealthy, white, middle-aged man? Everyone left in the competition has spent hours upon hours practicing and refining their skills. But just being talented isn't enough anymore. In order to win, you have to be able to blow people's doors off. To perform like she does - at the age of 11 - is amazing.

I think this competition is kind of biased against certain performers. They're asking people to watch on television and then vote on who's the best. And I think watching on TV would be totally different than watching it in person - because some acts don't come across well on TV. For example, the deck is stacked against magicians, because there is no way for a TV audience to differentiate a good illusion from tricky camera angles. It's kind of the same for dance groups or anything else involving a lot of people - there's just too much going on to be effectively captured on screen. So I think musicians have a big advantage.

The YouTube show last night, apart from a couple of acts, was totally lame. So I don't think those acts will shake up these rankings too much.

Holy Crow, Batman!

I've been reading more books than usual this summer. A couple of camping trips have helped, also waiting for the scout meetings to get out, and sitting by a child as he makes the transition to sleeping in a toddler bed. Anyways, I feel compelled to let you know what I've been reading. I'm not sure why.

The Mist of Quarry Harbor by Liz Adair. I picked this little number up over at the Goodwill, for a buck. It's published by Deseret Book, and yes, all of the main characters are LDS.

The main character is Cassie Van Cleeve. She's smoking hot, completely self-sufficient, and single as the book opens. It's important to note that she's not single because no one's interested. She has to fend off a pesky marriage proposal within the first 20 pages of the book. Later, a casual FHE basketball game leads to fisticuffs between her two suitors. She eventually makes a choice, although her emotional and mental abilities in the face of a little romance reminds one of Bella Swan.

But that's not the main part of the book. Cassie's questionable judgment when it comes to men eventually lands her on an island in the Puget Sound, where she begins searching for clues to her husband's mysterious past. It's a decent mystery, although not really a page-turner. There's a lot of boat talk, which can get a little boring if you're not a boating enthusiast. Most readers should be able to figure the big twist out before it is revealed in the book.

The writing is a little awkward in places and the dialogue often doesn't sound like something a person would say in the 21st century. At one point when Cassie needs to leave, she says that she had "better get to whistling." Another character frequently exclaims, "Holy Crow!" And one of the strangest parts of the book was when the author attempted to chastely describe Cassie's wedding night. It was quite vague, to the point where you weren't sure if she was talking about sex or describing an alien abduction.

As an LDS person, you kind of have to suspend your disbelief a little bit for the book to make sense. Which I guess is fine, because it's fiction. The character of Cassie isn't really internally consistent. Right off the bat, we're told that she went through three sets of missionaries before she was sure she wanted to join the church. And then a few pages later, she's diving into a marriage with a guy without any due diligence whatsoever. The author probably realized this and danced around it by making Cassie a member of only six months, thus not yet eligible for a temple marriage. Because if you're not getting married in the temple, it's okay to just go for it.

But without the random marriage, there's no mystery, and no book. So if you read it, just sit back and don't think too hard about it.

13 Restaurant Reviews in One

I recently finished a stint of working 13 consecutive Saturdays. It's not the most fun, but that's the job.

One of the perks of all the weekend labor is that we get treated to a free lunch every Saturday. Sometimes we go out, but that can take a long time, especially with a large group of 8-10 people. So as we get towards the March/April crunch time, there is a lot more ordering in, which can be just as good. I decided this year that it would be a good idea to rank the various visits, because 1) I love ranking stuff and 2) I really want to contribute to the Southeast Denver dining scene.

So here goes, worst to first:

13) Rodney's at Tamarac Square. If you've never eaten here, well, you missed your chance. It closed as they prepare to bulldoze Tamarac Square to make way for Super Target. We went on the last Saturday they were open. Not a good idea, by the way, because there's not a lot of incentive for employees to provide good service. All of the burgers were undercooked, even after we waited 45 minutes.

12) Honey Baked Ham. Pretty unspectacular. We get sandwiches from there. I can't even remember what I ordered.

11) Panera Bread. It's popular, but I've never been super impressed with them. I'd never spend my own money there. It seems like they spend more time thinking up exotic ingredient names than they do making good food. It could also be that I'm not cool enough to eat here.

10) Crown Burger. This is kind of a joke place we go to. Not healthy at all, and not very clean or attractive. The burgers aren't that good - quality of ingredients are lacking. The fries and shakes are good though. Plus they serve fry sauce.

9) New York Deli News. I didn't get the pun at first - think about it. It was my first visit. Tons of different sandwich offerings. I think I went with the french dip - my default sandwich. They give you a A LOT of fries. Maybe too many.

8) Happy Teriyaki. Normally, this would be in the top five. But I decided to try something new this time - bulgoki, some sort of marinated beef concoction. It was okay, but I didn't enjoy it as much as the teriyaki/tonkatsu, which is what I usually like to get. Thus the low ranking.

7) Fresh Fish Company. I'm probably a little biased in that I don't really like seafood, so it would be hard for them to get up very high on my list. I ordered the fish and chips, which were pretty good. But by the time you get to the last fillet, it starts getting really. . . well, fishy tasting.

6) Cocina de Marcos. I usually don't like this Mexican place as much, but it was better this year. Or maybe I was just hungrier.

5) Pizza Hut. You can't really go wrong with Pizza Hut. Unless you order that cracker-crust crap they sell.

4) Piccolo's. We usually order in various pans of good stuff - spaghetti, enchiladas, lasagna, garlic bread, salad. It's all good, and there is something to be said for variety. It's like buffet-to-go.

3) Famous Dave's. I'm not a huge bbq person, but if I was ranking these based strictly on meal size, this would be #1. The item I ordered came with some Georgia que, Texas brisket, three St. Louis ribs, a roll, potato salad, and cole slaw. It's no wonder obesity is a problem in this country.

2) Thai Basil. Orange beef. Yum. Even the vegetables were good.

1) Panache Catering. I wasn't really expecting much from this place - I thought it would be the same type of underwhelming sandwich that Panera and HBH serve. Wrong. This may very well have been the best sandwich I ever had in my life. I ordered the rare roast beef. Phenomenal.

Another Borders Bargain

I saw this at the aforementioned Borders clearance sale for $3 in the Biography/Memoir seciton. So I had to get it - you know, because "Mormon" was in the title.

For starters, it's not about a regional singles Halloween dance at all - that's just one of the many settings in the book. It's the tale of a young, single, Mormon girl living in New York City who is trying to figure out her life. She has no apparent claim to fame, at least not until the book was published. Just your typical twentysomething Mormon writing a memoir.

One thing I find interesting is that whenever a member of the Church is mentioned in the media, they are almost always described as a "devout Mormon". If I were famous, would I be called devout?

I don't think that Elna Baker should be described as devout, but what do I know? I only read the book. She seems to have a testimony of the gospel, but is also enticed by the adventure and excitement offered by some of the other avenues in life. I gave her some benefit of the doubt, because she notes that she spent part of her childhood living in the Sumner/Bonney Lake area of Washington. Although we never crossed paths, I served four months of my mission there, so we did have at least one thing in common, in addition to being members of the church.

I think there should be more books like this one - real Mormons writing about their faith and their perspective on things. I don't want to read about what you've researched or what you think you know that is going to change my life. Just tell me about you. That's what I liked about this book.

It takes a certain amount of courage to write such a book - Ms. Baker deserves points for being open and honest about her life and her thoughts on the tenets of her religion. I think most Mormons probably have certain aspects of the church that they haven't quite reconciled. Which is totally fine, because that's what this life is all about. But I think most people prefer to keep their doubts and weaknesses to themselves, because who wants the rest of the ward looking at you with a wary eye? She pretty much just goes for it - putting it all out there for anyone she's ever known to read.

I appreciate that she doesn't seem to blame the church for her difficulties. A path that has been traveled before is, "I have a hard time living x principle or believing y doctrine, so check ya later. It's not true." She seemed to acknowledge that it was the right way to go but wasn't sure if she wanted it for herself.

I don't know if this paragraph counts as a spoiler, but if it does, you've been forewarned. You're kind of hoping that by the end of the book she figures it out. But she doesn't. Even finally finding an acceptable Mormon guy who is interested in her doesn't do the trick. There's no triumph of faith. There's no white wedding. By the end of the book, she's still indecisive and seems to be leaning the other way.

The book was not exactly written for the LDS reader. There's a fair amount of profanity, and yes, she does spell out all the f-words. A lot of making out and "playing with matches" takes place.

I will say that it did inspire me to write a memoir. Certainly there are things that happened in my life that are at least as notable as what Ms. Baker has going on.

If only I had the time. . .

Not a Good Book

Are you an aspiring author who lacks confidence that your manuscript can cut the mustard with a publisher?

Read Empty, by Suzanne Weyn.

And feel your confidence in your work become Full.

If this can get published, then surely you can!

I've always lived under the assumption that an author submits a manuscript and then the editor reads it and suggests revisions. I get the impression that in this case, they ran spell check and decided it was good to go.

Our local Borders went belly and so they had a several-weeks clearance sale. I usually never buy books unless I know exactly what I'm buying. But I couldn't resist picking up a few random titles at discount prices. This book looked intriguing sitting in the YA fiction section at 60% off. Maybe the fact that there were roughly 50 other available copies should have tipped me off that this was not a sought-after volume.

It's set about ten years in the future, and the citizens of the earth are coming to the realization that the world's oil supply is almost gone. I'm not really a huge environmentalist or anything, but it could make for an interesting enough story, right?

I think the author simply tried to accomplish too much in 250 pages. To really make her idea work, it probably needed to be a three book series. But she was probably worried that once they figured out she wasn't a fiction writer, they wouldn't publish a second or third book. So it all got crammed into one book.

It's told from the point of view of three teens in a New England town. There's Tom, your garden variety teen boy who's handsome, muscular, and sensitive. There's Niki, your stereotypical hottie cheerleader who has been spoiled by her parents. And there's Gwen, the Goth chick with black hair who lives on the edge and is a little bit ahead of the curve when it comes to smart energy. There's also a Hispanic kid who lives in a trailer. I forget his name - we'll call him Carlos for the purposes of this review.

In the book, oil prices are around $100 a gallon. A bunch of teens get in an all-out brawl because the rival school gets caught siphoning gas from their cars. Gwen's house burns down becasue her rebel brother is storing black market fuel in milk cartons. Niki's dad goes on a rampage and shatters an antique chair and throws it in the fire place because he can't get a job in the distressed economy. And then things get real bad when the superhurricane hits.

The book is basically green energy propaganda poorly disguised as fiction. It reads like a pamphlet with quotation marks and characters randomly inserted to make it seem like a story.

There's the romantic subplots. Carlos likes Gwen. Gwen likes Tom. Tom likes Niki. Niki likes herself. As the book progresses, Niki starts to like Tom but is worried that Tom might like Gwen. She also might still like her old boyfriend after the high oil prices mellow him out. Tom starts to like Gwen, but is worried that Carlos and Gwen have something going. Gwen likes Carlos, but only as a friend, and tells him as much. It's not really clear how that whole situation resolves itself, although we're led to believe that Tom and Gwen end up together. But the whole thing is so boring that you don't really care.

This book has continuity errors galore. And I'm a stickler for continuity. If you're too lazy to write your book so that it makes sense, why should I bother to listen to any of the ideas you put forth?

The good news is, you'll be glad to know that everything ends up just fine in the future after we run out of oil. So no worries!

NOTE: I skipped adding a spoiler alert, because you don't care. Trust me.

I've already given this book away to the YW garage sale, and some other sucka probably paid good money for it - or maybe they didn't and it's on a Goodwill shelf somewhere.

Sometimes I Read Books Too

There are people who read a lot. I'm not one of those people. I read a couple of books a year, wheras some people read a couple of books a month. Maybe that makes me lame. Maybe it doesn't. I don't know. I probably would read more if I wasn't so disappointed by the things I read.

I finally caved and read the first book in J.K. Rowling's beloved Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Maybe you've heard of it? The writing was good enough. But reading this book was a bit of a chore for me. I couldn't wait to be done so I didn't have to be always thinking, "oh, yeah, I need to finish that Potter book." And since I've finished, I haven't had any desire to read the next one. Now if you are sitting there thinking, "Wait a minute - I LOVE Harry Potter," know this - it's not you, it's me. I've never really been into the whole wizards and warlocks and fantasy-type stuff. It just doesn't interest me that much. The things that bothered me the most were that the wizards would just cast a spell to make their fine banquets appear. That just seemed entirely too easy - I don't think they should be able to do that. Also, that Dumbledore cat was entirely too random in how he handed out points to the various halls as they competed for the Wizard Cup or whatever that Hogwarts championship was called. Maybe it's the accountant in me, but you've got to have some sort of basis for how you're allocating points. I kind of feel like those Slytherin guys were robbed, even if they were butts.

The other book chronicled the history of the famous California-based restaurant chain In-N-Out Burger. This book was really boring at first as it delved into the genealogy of Harry & Esther Snyder. I skipped at least one chapter. It became more interesting as they talked about its humble beginnings and how the rise of fast food coincided with the explosion of the automobile and suburbs in the 1950s. Harry Snyder focused on quality food and treating employees right. He never borrowed money - only building a new store when he had enough cash saved. And they didn't sell out through franchising like so many of his contemporaries did - McDonald's, Taco Bell, Kentucky Fried Chicken. He wanted to retain control over his product and sacrificed the big payday.

Through the years, In-N-Out achieved cult-like status among burger fans in California. It was only after Harry Snyder turned over the reins to his son that the company really started to grow. The middle part of the book was probably the most interesting as it described a series of plot twists that seem like something out of a Hollywood screenplay.

It seemed like the story was headed for a grand climax, with plenty of family intrigue and legal battles. But it ended up with some sort of confidential settlement, so the reader never finds out exactly how the conflict was resolved. Kind of a bummer. I did get lots of material for a potential future post about the pitfalls of a family business - very interesting topic.

So those are pretty much the two books I read in 2010. Maybe I could step it up to three for 2011.